I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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