Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
