i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
