Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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