She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
