Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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