I met the friendliest cop last night
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Sorry about my life...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
