The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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