that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
