Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
