i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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