pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
