The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
