that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
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