Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
