I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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