Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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