My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
