imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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