Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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