Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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