I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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