I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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