Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize
