The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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