Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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