Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
