I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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