yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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