ugly people sure do ruin things
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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