I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
