I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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