if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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