So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Randomize
