so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Randomize
