I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
