I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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