we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
