If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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