I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
