I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
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