I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
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