i'm signing you up for texting rehab
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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