Sorry, I don't speak sober.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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