"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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