Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
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