uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
