i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
