i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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