i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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